Taking a diplomatic approach is a good option to stop behavior quickly without taking a big risk. This approach focuses on simply stopping the behavior from continuing. These examples also work in a group setting, with people more senior than you, or with close working colleagues you don’t want to be at odds with.

• “We are at work, you know.”
• “Let’s change the subject.” 
• “Changing the subject, have you seen (movie / show / game) yet?”
• Change the subject – ask a question. “Did you catch the game last night?”
• “And that’s my cue to go.”

Taking an assertive approach is a more direct way to get the offending party to stop the behavior and acknowledge their actions, and get them to take accountability and responsibility for adjusting their future behavior. 

• “I’m going to do you a big favor right now and let you know that wasn’t OK.”
• “That was completely inappropriate. I’d like to move past this quickly, but I’ll need an apology and a promise you won’t do that again.”
• “That behavior is not OK. I think an apology is in order so we can move past this.”
• “Let me stop you right there. I’m not okay with that behavior.”
• “I think you have me confused with one of your buddies but I don’t want to hear that while I’m at work.”

If you find yourself in a group and it appears everyone is participating in inappropriate behavior at some level or another, it can be difficult to speak up. No one wants to be a fuddy-duddy or be the PC police. Here are options to redicrect the conversation to safer ground.

• “I think that is as far as we’ll take this conversation. Has anyone seen the news about…?”
• Change the subject by asking another person in the group a question.
• “Taylor is going to quickly apologize before we change the subject.”
• “Please excuse Taylor for a moment. We will be right back.” Take the person aside to let them know they need to stop and apologize to the group.
• Change the subject by asking Taylor a question (works well if he is the client) “Taylor, I hear you are doing some exciting things with…”
• To the group “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is an example of what NOT to say at work.”

Being an ally can be tricky. But there are good reasons to do it. Harassment doesn’t just affect the person being harassed. It affects team and company culture and the company bottom line.  Furthermore, you can provide an example to others on ways they can stand up to inappropriate behavior moving forward.

• “You can’t ask that question.” 
• “This is a place of business. You can’t say that here.”
• “That was rude.”
• “Nobody needs to hear that at work.” 
• “Dealing with that talk/behavior isn’t something anyone should have to deal with while they are at work.”
• “Stop. You need to apologize to Taylor.”

I have had work colleagues make some ignorant comments. You are doing your colleague a favor by giving them a heads up and giving them a chance to address their behavior before it escalates. 

• “You can’t be saying that at work. You need to apologize to Taylor right now before this becomes an issue.”
• “I know you like that joke/story, but it is not appropriate for work.”

Responding to Dismissal or Minimization

One thing that has stopped me from speaking up in the past is the fear that I won’t be believed, or that what I say will be dismissed, excused, or minimized in some way. Or worse, I will become a target. As it turns out, I’ve heard a few dismissive and minimizing responses over my career. 

If someone responds by dismissing or minimizing your statement, usually it is because they are trying to get you to back off or they want to save face. You may have surprised them, and they may behave defensively.

Deescalating a situation like this is always an option to consider, especially if you want the issue to be resolved quickly.

All of the script examples below let you hold your boundaries while allowing the other person to step up and take accountability, instead of escalating the situation.

• “I gave you the courtesy of coming to you to resolve this directly. I expect the same courtesy. Apologize so we can move on.”
• “I came directly to you because I don’t want this to become a problem for either of us. I want us to be able to move forward without this becoming an issue.”
• “Did I make a mistake coming to you directly?”
• “I was hoping you would apologize and we could move on. I’ll give you some time to think about what I said.”

In response to “It was a joke!”

• “Not appropriate for work.”
• “How is that joke appropriate for work?” 

In response to “You misunderstood.”

• “I heard you loud and clear. I expect an apology so we can move on.”
• “Misunderstanding or not, it was not appropriate. How can we put this behind us?”

In response to a double down “What are you going to do? Tell HR?”

• “I prefer you apologize and promise it won’t happen again.”
• “So you agree HR would say your behavior is inappropriate. I would prefer an apology and a promise you won’t do that again – but it’s your choice.”

1. I wanted to talk to you about what happened [at location or date].
2. Briefly summarize the inappropriate behavior.
3. Summarize how their behavior impacted you. Use “I” statements where possible: “I feel that type of joke is inappropriate for work. I felt uncomfortable when…”
4. Provide the resolution you need to see: “I would like an apology.” “I think an apology to the team is in order.” “This behavior needs to stop immediately.”  
5. Take time to listen to their response.
6. Once a resolution has been committed to, provide an incentive for moving on: “Thank you for your apology. I’m glad we can put this incident behind us.”

• I am not interested.
• I don’t date people I meet at work. Don’t ask again.
• You’ve crossed the line.
• Enough already.
• Stop.

Navigating inappropriate behavior from customers, clients, and vendors (and other third parties) can put you in a challenging situation that requires a delicate balance between diplomacy and directness.

• Thanks for your interest, but I’m just not interested.
• That is not on the menu tonight or ever.
• That is not a service we provide.
• I am going to have [person’s name’]  take over going forward. They will be able to get you what you need.